why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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