I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
