I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
