Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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