i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
