My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
