I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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