Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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