Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
