Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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