I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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