There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
