So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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