I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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