we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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