As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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