I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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