the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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