i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
