Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
