Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
