My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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