I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
