you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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