Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
