woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
