Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
