We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
