1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
