Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
