The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
