i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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