whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm too high and old for this...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
