you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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