just tell him i said nine months
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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