Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize