I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
