Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
