Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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