i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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