if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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