Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
