I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
