I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize