watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
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