we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize