Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I pour the whiskey from now on
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
