Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
