Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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