I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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