he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
