We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize