dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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