Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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