You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize