He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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