I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
well, you know. whores of a feather.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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