I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
