I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
